Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
