Welp...herpes.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
