There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
