Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
