I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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