with your own penis?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
