Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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