He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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