So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
