Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
