she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
