All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
