remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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