I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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