So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
