i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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