you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
