NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
