Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My vagina is very pro this idea
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
