how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
