I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
