I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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