make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
