I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
