I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
