She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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