kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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