Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
