Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
