I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
