Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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