Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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