After last night, I could never be a politician.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
