Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
