FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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