The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
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