feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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