Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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