It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
