ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
