My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
