So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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