I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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