I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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