I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
