My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
