theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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