It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
