I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
