Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
