In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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